Person’s Story

On my 26th birthday (June 23, 2010), I gave birth to my first child. She was the best little baby ever. She never cried, she smiled all the time and she touched so many peoples lives. I called her "my little Rae of sunshine". Before I became pregnant with her my life was chaotic. I was lost, I didn't know what to do with myself or my life, but she gave me purpose. The second I found out I was pregnant, I started making changes for the better. I was made to be her mom and for the first time in my life i didn't feel lost. She completed a part of my that i didn't know was missing. I loved being her mom, she was my whole world but sadly, just four months later, i would say goodbye to my sweet little angel. She died on October 20, 2010. Her death was ruled SIDS by the medical examiners, which basically means that my perfectly healthy baby died with out any real cause. She was the light of my life and i didn't know what I would do with out her, but I pushed myself to keep moving forward as if she was still here because i didn't want her life to be forgotten. She continued to be my light, but my journey was just different now. I went on to have other children, whom I love with all my heart, but they could never be my sweet angel. We talk about her as i would talk about any of my children, my kids know their big sister is in heaven, and although they've never met her, her story lives on in them. With her as my light, I put myself through school, as a single mom and earned a degree that was long over due. I always wanted to make her proud, and even after she died, i didn't want to disappoint her. I often tell people that her life, her love, and even her death, has taught me more than i could have ever imagined. And even though i have accomplished so much in her memory, the journey through grief is never easy. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, happiness and heartache, joy and guilt. Every time a milestone passes, i can't help but wonder who she'd be today. Would she be a rough, tough tomboy like me, or a dancing diva like her baby sister. Would she teach her shy little brother to stand up for himself and that its ok to be who he is? Or would she be someone i wouldn't have even expected?? Most years, on our birthday, ive done some sort of memorial to keep her memory alive, but this year has hit me like a ton of bricks. She would have been turning 10 in just a few days and my mind is blown that its been an entire decade!! My heart still hurts today, as much as it did 10 years ago. I was so excited to share a birthday with my daughter, but sadly her birth was the only time we actually spent our birthday together. I thought we would make amazing memories for years to come on our special day together, but unfortunately that just wasn't the case. I hope that this song can be another way that her memory can live on with me!